I remember as a child wondering what we were here for. The older I became, the more I pondered this question. During my teen years....I was very oppressed and unhappy, so, I would go outside, lay on the ground, look up at the sky and wonder why I was made. Laying on the ground made me feel closer to God somehow. I went many years without knowing why I was born, or if I even had a purpose.
I joined the military at 18 to get away, be free, so to speak. I purposed in my on heart a plan. I was going to have fun and live life the way I wanted, making the most of it, since my childhood sucked. So began my journey hanging with friend after friend, getting engaged several times....til finally I married barely at the age of 22. I didn't want to have kids at this point....because, I still didn't know our reason for existence. Why was I going to have children, just so they can be born, work their whole life and then die. Seemed meaningless to me, and what if they died before me, what pain would that be.
Somewhere along this journey at 24, I had an encounter....I was depressed, had suicidal thoughts and just couldn't see any purpose in life. I remember being up late, watching TV, not my normal horror flick, just flipping channels, when something made me stop. The man on TV was talking, and the scary part is, it was like he could see me and hear my thoughts. He explained how I had been feeling, that I had tried all these things to be happy but had gotten nowhere. He told me things that I had never told anyone out loud. Then, he told me what I needed to do to find my answer. He told me to give up my plan, which by the way hadn't worked so far to give me peace. He then told me to turn my life over to God and make Jesus my Lord and savior. Well, I thought I had done that as a child...you know...said the sinners prayer and all, but I guess I was deceived, I know I said it many times at vacation bible school as a kid in the summers.
I turned off the TV and begin to yell, to cry out to God and ask questions, like why am I here, did you make me just so I can live, be miserable and then die? I asked him why my mom left me when I was 6 months old, why I had been abused for so many years, why this and why that, why evil...I wanted to know. I said, you may strike me with lightening for yelling at you like this, but I have to know, dying can't be any worse than living.
Then a strange thing had happened. I heard a voice inside me began to ask me questions. Like, why don't you trust me? Then I began to tell him why, because of all the bad things in my life and the life of every other child, person that was hurt, abused and mistreated. The voice very calmly said to me, your way hasn't worked so far, it hasn't fulfilled your purpose or desires in your heart. Give up you plan and trust and follow me. I told him I wanted to trust in him, but too many bad things had happened in my life and it just wasn't in me. That if he was real, and good, then he was going to have to make me trust him, help me because I just didn't believe at this point. (As I speak to something inside my head)...lol). That's when the voice said, again calmly, I will, just give your life over to me and I will make you into what you were created for. So.....I did. I told him since my life was meaningless anyway, he could have it. Just show me what to do because my life sucked as is.
That was 18 years ago, many mistakes and dramas in between, but I am happy to say that, my purpose, my destiny and my happiness are found and have been revealed to me. I had alot of on the job training, but I'm finally doing what I was created to do. I say this with certainty and peace.
This is the reason for my blog today, to speak of our purpose, our destiny, and our peace in this life and the life to come. It's all intertwined together. As you will see.
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